When we say someone is a survivor we often refer to a person that is left after a tragedy or catastrophe. A survivor is a person that copes well (not always) with difficulties in their life. Rarely is the term applied to persons that maintain holistic functionality in the aftermath of a divorce. The official definition of a designated survivor is a government official that is chosen during high profile political events to maintain the presidential line of succession. In the event of a crisis (foreign or domestic) that renders the current president unable to perform duties of the office, the designated survivor is the next chief of command.
You may think of a divorced person as a survivor, however the term “designated survivor” seems inappropriate. In this case, this metaphorical example fits quite well. You are chosen to survive this and not succumb to any of it. Now it is up to you to recover, although you may not be up to the process of healing just yet.
Even with the most amicable dissolution of marriages there is emotional and financial residue and there is always some level of aftermath that affects us. The same applies for contested and uncontested divorce. Not feeling divorced? The legalization of the divorce decree is one thing, divorcing your psychological perception is quite another.
These are some strategies that may assist as you evolve from “survival mode” to a “designated survivor” status.
Getting back on track. You may experience a cadre of emotions all at once, in clusters, or one at a time. Own how you feel. Do not excuse it or let shame, feelings of failure, or embarrassment outdistance your progress. Masking your pain is an ineffective coping mechanism guaranteed to inhibit your progress to recovery.
According to Rocheleau (2024), signs of divorce stress can surface in various ways for individuals. For now, let us focus on common overt and covert symptoms like anger, anxiety, stress, mood swings, depression, loneliness, guilt and shame, decreased self-esteem, a shift in identity descriptors, and challenges to trust in relationships.
Feelings of anger are common, especially in cases where betrayal and instances of distrust occur. Irrevocable changes to your life produce uncertainty for your next steps. Sometimes this upheaval affects you in various overt ways. You may not experience depression, loneliness, guilt, or shame. However, this is the prime opportunity for the enemy to attack your psychological well-being in an attempt to make it appear that you are spiraling out of control. When a relationship fails it (temporarily or permanently) affects your self-esteem or how you define your identity. Another residual effect is the challenge to trust others. At times you may find this difficult. Maybe the real issue is that now you have trouble trusting your choices.
This would be the perfect time to provide you with an overload of scripture. Let us not do that. Rather, let us travel the natural route first with some psychological implications.
The lack of forgiveness or accountability will paralyze your progress. Invite Jesus in even if you do not feel like it. Now is the time for the Word. No matter what you have done or what level of betrayal you experience, without forgiveness, you will not heal. If we do not forgive, clearly put, our heavenly Father will not forgive us (Matthew 6:14-15).
Isaiah 40:29-31 states a few of the many promises of God. When your emotional state seems like it will take you out, Abba will give you strength to recover your balance. His word declares that even when you are too exhausted to make an effort, He will increase your strength through Him.
The most important task you have right now is to preserve your intimate relationship with Christ. His love is the sustaining factor to transition you from survival mode to a Designated Survivor. You will and can get through this with divine help from Him.
Give yourself time to grieve. It does not matter if you were responsible for the offense, a repeat offender, or the recipient of infidelity, abuse, or any level of rejection. You need to reflect and grieve. If it is mostly on you, you may grieve your character failings and lack of integrity. If not, you may grieve the loss of the relationship (yes, even if it wasn’t that great.) Please understand that grief is a process. Be sure to move through your process at a healthy pace. You will not survive if you allow yourself to get stuck.
Take time to heal. Please do not ignore your holistic health. Every dimension of wellness deserves your attention: spiritually, psychologically, physiologically, environmentally, socially, occupationally, financially, and intellectually. Honestly assess the areas of your life that may be in an operational deficit and hinder your holistic balance. If you are willing to face your areas of challenge realistically, restorative health is within your reach and attainable.
Avoid the toxic attraction trap. Emotional replacement therapy does not work; ever.
You need two things when you recover from a divorce. Time and space. Designated Survivors realize that moving too quickly into a new relationship has a high level for toxicity. You bring the residue of your previous relationship to share with a person that does not deserve to be the “project manager” for your unresolved issues. Your percentage for success just plummeted to negative digits. Be fair to them and you. You both deserve it.
Spiritual and therapeutic support. Secure crisis management strategies. Let worship be your fast track to becoming whole again. Let prayer, devotion, and recall of His sovereignty solidify your commitment to His righteousness. God does not deal in fractions. No matter what we go through, it is His intent that we come out as victors. You are a Designated Survivor. You, yes you, are chosen to be an overcomer.
The stigma that only weak men seek counseling is fading. Let us construct a narrative that allows healing and restoration by continuing to provide safe, non-judgmental environments. Designated Survivors embrace rebuilding from more than one source.
Seek Christian counseling. If you do not employ one that can feed your faith there will be a disconnect. Your spiritual support will be in conflict with the secular methods to cope and overcome. Regardless of what you are experiencing, your connection to God is the most valuable restorative resource within your reach.
Author’s note: I can share this experientially because I am a Designated Survivor. Of all my triggers, trauma, and triumphs, God is my healer and sustainer in all. May your journey to recovery be restorative, forgiving, and victorious as well.
Lynne C. Parker is an educator, prophet, minister, consultant, author of the “30 Day Intercessory Devotional for Leaders”, and consummate orator.
Lynne operates under God’s grace as she serves leaders, families, teams, ministry and community. She is the founder and Vision Steward ™ for the IC4U-Intensive Care for You, Inc. nonprofit para ministry. Lynne and the IC4U team serve servant leaders, servant families, and servant care teams in ministry and community settings.
Lynne is grateful that her years in corporate environments, life experiences, and education that allow her to serve His people. She holds credentials for adult learning and has a MA in Psychology Counselling.
In addition, she considers her role as an advocate for social justice and serving marginalized populations of women among her most rewarding life experiences. Lynne is grateful to serve existing and potential kingdom citizens by providing information and additional tools for victorious living!
