For those who don’t know, I’ve been on my abstinence journey since I separated from my husband in Dec 2015 but we were still married so…I officially started counting from Dec 2018. Read between the lines.
Messed up in Oct 2019 because, hey, I was newly divorced and well…2020, I barely made it (did stuff but not IT). Dec 2022 and well sis gave up completely!
At the end of November, I posted a piece called Abstinence Ain’t Easy but before I posted it, I struggled with myself about posting it because I felt like a fraud. I knew exactly how I was feeling inside and I didn’t want to misrepresent or mislead anyone but after some prayer and wise counsel I decided to post it.
For weeks leading up to ‘the event’, I prayed the same prayer I did in 2020, “Lord I’m going to need you to stop me because I’m not going to stop myself”, or something like that. I keep track off pretty much everything so I know exactly when I’m ovulating etc., so I knew that the chances of me getting pregnant was very slim so I went for it!
Before I go further, I feel like I need to give you guys some context. I wasn’t out here sleeping with randos! I was actually in a long-distance relationship and my boyfriend was coming to visit me. Mind you, I had been in a relationship before and I was able to maintain my abstinence but for some reason this time it was different. I’m not sure if it had to do with the fact that we were long distance and not able to connect physically at all, for long periods of time; or the fact that there was so much history between us; or the fact that I had not had a man love me the way that he did but I really wanted to go there…with THAT man. But I digress.
Needless to say, we went there but my cycle started while he was still here and he was only with me for a week so the journey was short lived. Fast forward to March 2023 we are broken up (reason why you will probably read about in another post), we still maintain our friendship, I still love him and want him and I’m about to see him again but things are different now.
On one hand, my flesh is like, “One for the road!?! You guys are no longer together so you don’t know if you will ever see him again! You can go back to being abstinent after.” On the other, my spirit is like, “You guys broke up for a reason. Remember the bigger picture! Remember the life you want!”
Let’s just say that Flesh won that round!
So here I am, nervously counting down the days until my cycle is due. I thought about posting this after my cycle comes and I’m sure that I’m not pregnant but I’m all about transparency, right? So in the words of Jonathan McReynold’s,
“My truth is that I’ve needed God’s grace way more than I ever thought I would. My truth is that even though I feel unlucky in this life, I’m still loved. My truth is that there IS grey, there’s just not a lot of peace there!”
THAT PART! There is no peace! I know what I want for my life and what I believe God wants for me as well and a baby under these circumstances is not it! I’ve woken up in a panic a few times and my mind is filled with thoughts like,
“Do you really want to go down that road again?”
“What kind of example will you be setting for your daughter?”
“What is your family going to think?”
“You are barely getting by, how can you afford another child?”
“This is going to set you back so much!”
I’m not one to tell people what to do. I’m not here to police anyone’s body. I’m not here to point out anyone’s sin! I’m not here to force my beliefs on anyone either. All I know is what I’m going through right now and that I don’t wish it on anyone, so I’m here to say, once again that, “Abstinence Ain’t Easy…but it’s worth it!
Krissa Gayle is a licensed social worker by profession, but a writer at heart. Over the course of her social work career, she has worked with underprivileged youth, the elderly, individuals experiencing homelessness, those suffering with mental health issues and substance abuse, and members of the LGBTQI+ community. She has a heart for people and loves helping others. Krissa shares her passion for writing through a blog she started in 2017 while going through a major transition in her life. This outlet became a safe place to share the ups and downs of her faith journey with the goal of supporting and encouraging others to ‘keep the faith’ as well. She has coined the phrase, ‘a journey to daughterhood’ to mean the realization of who we are as children of God and the authority that comes with the position as His daughters.
Krissa aspires to become a published author in the near future. She believes that life is a personal journey and is better when God is in it.
